By BenG.
We’re just 5 days into the 2008 spring turkey season and already I have gotten my mad on.
Allow me to tell my tale. I don’t care if you don’t want to hear it; it’s my blog.
Until this morning, I hadn’t heard so much as a peep out of a turkey, let alone the full-throated, leaf-shaking gobble that hunters’ dreams are made of. Of course, I had only been 1 morning out of 4 so far, which isn’t really conducive to hearing a lot of gobbling. But I digress.
Anyway, this morning, I stopped at my listening post — a spot on the edge of the hill from which any bird gobbling anywhere on the 600-acre property can be heard — and waited as twilight made way for daylight.
I heard a distant gobble a time or 2 from a bird well off in the distance, on the other side of the property. I didn’t really want to hike all the way over to that bird, so I waited for Ridge Runner — the bird that wrecked my season last year (that story a little later this week) — to sound off. He never did, and may be long dead for all I know.
Realizing that no turkey was going to sound off except the lone distant tom, I begrudgingly hiked up my britches legs and headed off in his direction. I thought I’d have time for breakfast on the way over, but realized I had smashed my rasberry Poptart. So I was already in an ill mood.
The first thing I did was scare off the hen that was roosted with the gobbler.
Now, before you say “LOL, that melonhead; that sounds like something he would do,” understand that I intended to scare off the hen. The hen was roosted a ways away from the gobbler, and I knew I could get underneath it and bump it off the roost, thusly eliminating any competition that the hen might pose to me.
What I didn’t intend to do was to bump the hen straight in the gobbler’s direction. But that’s exactly what I did. Now you can call me a melonhead. The sound of the hen’s wings beating caused the longbeard to gobble again. As the hen sailed over the longbeard’s head, if he thought “Wait a minute; why’s that she-hen hauling tailfeathers over the gorge instead of pitching down to the ground like usual?” Or, “Why has her come-and-get-me-look been replaced by a let’s-get-the-hell-outta-here look” . . . if he was thinking these things, he didn’t think them long, because he was back to gobbling a few minutes later.
In the meantime, I was in a delimma. There was a bluff line between me and the longbeard. He wasn’t close enough for me to see him, but he was close enough for me to feel the vibration of his gobble, so I knew he had to be close enough that if I tried to slip through a gap in the bluff, I’d get so close that I’d bump him. So instead, I’d have to try to call him up through the bluff line.
So I set up, took out my Primos Power Crystal and selected an oak striker, and went to calling. Then listened. Nothing. By now, the sun was well up in the sky, and after several minutes I thought perhaps the longbeard had wandered on off. But the 8:10 from Chattanooga rolled through a few minutes later on the Norfolk-Southern tracks, sending him into another gobbling fit. The N-S railroad is several miles as the crow flies from where I was hunting, but the sound echoes through the valley quite well.
I changed setups on the bird several times, and tried different calls, trying to find something that would make him change his mind about needing some early morning romance. But to no avail; he couldn’t have cared less. However, I did get a hen that was with him to start calling back to me. Not the harsh “you-get-away-from-my-man” yelps that a hen is capable of producing, but soft little “hey-baby” yelps. So I decided that perhaps I can call in the hen and she’ll pull in the longbeard en tow. Hey, biologists claim that 4% of the animal kingdom is bisexual. It was worth a try.
It didn’t work.
By now, it was getting late, and I had a decision to make. But I have a rule: Never leave a gobbling turkey, no matter what. It isn’t an easy rule to stick to on weekdays, but I manage by never hunting on a deadline day, because the enticement to stay in the woods would be too much. I have participated in conference calls with my cell phone from beneath a rhododenderon bush. No joke.
So I continued to call, and my calls continued to fall on deaf ears. I also have another rule: The ability to admit futility is a virtue. So I decided to call it quits. And as I was moving around to gather up my stuff, the longbeard — which had wandered closer, unbeknownst to me — saw me and spooked. The last I saw of him, he was hauling wingbones and tailfeathers down the holler.
As I gathered up the last of my gear and got ready for the walk out, he gobbled twice from well down the holler, just to laugh at me. I flipped him the bird. He better hope that the rain moves in quick tomorrow morning, or he’s liable to have a date with fate. And fate won’t be some pretty little she-turkey named Henny. Fate will be 40 inches long and camouflaged, named Remington, and will belch size 5 pellets from 3 inch shells. That’s what I’m talkin’ about.